Keep Your Chin Up And Your Skirt Down

I read a book not too long ago called "How to be a Hepburn in a Hilton World". It made a lot of sense. Why bother being another one of the ditzy girls flashing their underwear at the bar. No one wants to bring those girls home to mom. I want to start my life, I've taken a few steps so far to get away from people and things that weren't exactly helping my cause. I'm not extremely happy right now but I'm happy, and that's saying something! I'm just ready for a job, or to go back to school, anything! Next step please!

This Is Why They Call It The Blues

I haven't felt like this in a long time. Crushed. Crushed but so neutral that it doesn't seem normal. I don't feel like sleeping, eating, breathing or anything. I just want to talk but no one seems to have the time...or is awake for that matter. Does everyone turn their phone off at night or something? I always wake up when someone texts me just because they need to talk. Just a few short weeks ago I felt like my life had so much direction and I couldn't wait to move forward. Now I lie here wishing I could go back in time to when things were much easier. I need you. It fucking blows.

Routine

God I hate going to the doctor. Might as well make me more anxious than I already am eh? I hate that things upset me, I absolutely hate it. I also hate that I can't tell anyone what it is that upsets me because its supposed to be fine. I just want to run far away by myself and not have to deal with anything. Honestly, who is as paranoid as I am? I won't even go to the mall anymore. I'm tired of it. I just want it to end. Fuck. Some people can be the biggest jerks.

I Close My Eyes And I'm Somewhere With You

God I hate the holidays. Pretending that I'm excited when actually I'm begging God every day to get me through it alive. I can't help but run over and over in my mind the things I took for granted...should make for an interesting Valentines... two months and ten days until it's all over. This year I really will only be spending the day selling earrings to desperate men who left everything until the last minute. Fuck Chrismas is depressing. I'm really trying, I am, especially when it comes to leaving my little comfort zone, but we all saw how that turned out.

Dream Maker

It frustrates me that I'm still having the dreams. Two days ago I woke up gasping for air because in my dream I was drowning and was slowly starting to slip away. I could see you standing there above the surface. Not helping, not heeding, just watching. I lied in bed trying to calm myself down, scrolling through my contacts to see if there was anyone who would talk to me in the middle of the night for a few minutes, but it was to no avail. So I closed my phone, and with it my spirit. I can't keep depriving myself of sleep just so I don't dream because then the day dreaming get worse. I guess I'm never going to win no matter what I do.

I Capture The Castle

I'm scared that if I read it one more time the whole thing will fall apart. Sometimes I just hold it tightly and stroke the spine as if the loose pages will magically glue themselves back in. It seems like that is the only place I can go to get away. I can't get through a night without the dreams, it never fails, some a crippling, some only crippling when I wake up and realize that I had been dreaming the entire thing. I just want to do something meaningful with my life, I can't help myself so why not help others, but what do I have to offer? Not much obviously.

I'll Give You My Rookie Of DiMaggio

It was a dark and rainy night, how cliche. I wind up side ways again and in my head I only hear one thing "Its ok babygirl, you're fine, it's ok, be careful, eyes on the road" if only you knew the rain had nothing on the tempest that is stirring inside of me. The only voice I hear to shake me back to focus is the one that causes me to drift off. Again tonight I look in the rearview and all I see is black, how fitting. So I spin my ring one more time and put my foot back on the accelerator, like it never happened.